Probabilities

by Carrie N.

I’ve started so many different versions of this. Nothing has felt linear in the last week, so I'm just trying to piece the thoughts and memories together as best I can, in an effort to make sense of what I know will never make sense.

My favorite Luke-ism was his way of giving extremely specific percentages about his likelihood of showing up to any particular event. He never said "yes, I'll see you then" or a "no, I definitely can't make it." It was always more like, "I’m 65% likely to be there." And I would tease him about this, because it was so funny and endearing, but it really did come from a real and genuine place. To those who didn't know him as well, it might have sounded random, but after knowing him a long time, it was extremely clear that he was putting next-level thought into every variable and if/then arrow on his internal flow chart that might push his attendance in one direction or another.

He was specific because he cared, and because he thought of everything.

And this thought and care carried over into all of his interactions. Less than 48 hours before he died, he was asking me about some frustrations that he knew had been on my mind and letting me share them and empathizing and giving the most practical, reasonable advice I could hope for. He wasn’t pushy about it, but he always seemed to know how he could help.

Knowing Luke has changed my life in very concrete and direct ways. Anders and I met him and Nicole in April of 2012, and it was through them that we met the vast majority of our existing friend circle and community in NYC. Which I suppose isn't all that surprising when you think about it; so many of the memorial posts that have been written in Luke's honor in this past week have referenced his innate ability to connect and bring people together. So I know I'm not the only person who can say that my life is different because of him. But I have felt that impact so strongly in the last few days that it needs to be mentioned again. As I've gathered with friends to grieve, I've been reminded over and over again that he's the reason I know any of these people in the first place. And it feels wrong that he isn’t there.

But I’m forever grateful for the time we had together, which is why I’m sharing these words along with the photo that he and Nicole sent us a day after their wedding, just over a month ago. This is the image that’s stayed in my head every day since Tuesday. There was a lot of love in the room that night, and while I hate that that’s one of the last memories I’ll ever have of him, I feel lucky to be able to think back to it.