Chosen Family
by Dan Parilis
“Suddenly, you were gone...from all the lives you left your mark upon.”
Early Tuesday morning, I lost my chosen brother, my dear friend.
Flooded with a sea of beautiful, pain-filled FB posts over the past 48-hrs. by other members of our chosen family, I’ve agonized over what heartfelt sentiment, what endearing anecdote, I could share to sum up who this remarkable person was to me. How utterly genuine — what a gentle, articulate, empathetic human being he was. How funny as fuck he was, and how often we would crack each other up. The closeness and true kinship we felt towards one another.
Nothing feels right. Everything I think of leaves too much unsaid.
I’m waiting for the Luke dreams to begin. Dreams in which he’s still alive. Where we’re laughing at something ridiculous, being ridiculous ourselves. Discussing something important. Dreams in which we both know he’s dead, but he was able to wrangle 5-minutes for a quick final visit to say hello, and goodbye. Where he says he’s sorry for having left so abruptly. That he would stay if he could. Dreams in which we’re talking like normal, then I turn my eyes away for moment, and he’s gone like he never was there at all.
I know the Luke dreams are coming; it’s only a matter of time. I’m both looking forward to them and dreading them.
Luke loved getting his friends to collect bottle caps for him in lieu of a birthday gift, so he could donate them to local schools for art projects. I’d always get busy and forget, and he’d always laugh and say it was no big deal. After this past b-day a month ago, I began secretly collecting bottle caps. Walking to work, I’d grab no fewer than ten a day off the street. I’d wash them, save them, and now have three full bags. I was looking forward to saying I’d made up for lost time and dumping them out on the floor in front of him next time we saw each other, so we could laugh about it. Now, I’ll never be able to give them to him. Or…maybe I will; maybe that will be one of my Luke dreams.
My brother, my dear friend — I’ve decided this very moment that I’m going to continue collecting bottle caps and donating them to the charity in L.I.C. you liked for the foreseeable future, if not for the rest of of my life. That way, I’ll be able to think of you, even if just for a moment, every day.
